And then there were four

So the fact that we have started our family through adoption kind of gives away the ending of this particular tragic story. 

But none the less it’s part of the journey so here it is;

So we are happily/cautiously carrying on our normal lives waiting to find out whether we are having one baby or two when the spotting started. We had our scan and there was still a heartbeat but couldn’t really see the other sac. We were told that this was probably just my body getting rid of it and that the baby was fine. 

Returned home feeling much better having seen our little baby again. Still nervous, still bleeding but cautiously optimistic. Lots of people have bleeding during pregnancy and they are fine. 

As the day went on the bleeding got steadily heavier. Panic started to set in as I went into auto pilot. But I just kept telling myself the baby is fine it’s just the twin that never formed being rejected by my body. 

Constant visits to the bathroom and as things developed it became very clear that I was actually losing our baby. The experience of this miscarriage especially will stay with me always. It was so traumatic and unexpected. It broke me totally. 

The bleeding continued and began to get to the point where I was scared. We had always been told previously that if you are filling a sanitary towel an hour go to a&e. I was managing one every 20mins at this point so off we went to a&e. 

They checked me over and said I was fine in regards to blood loss etc. They booked me in for a scan in the morning to confirm what we all already knew. 

Our beautiful little baby, the one with 98% chance of surviving, the only one we had ever met had gone. How could the world possibly be that cruel? How could we possibly be that unlucky? Why was this happening to us? Would we ever get our baby? 

These four babies were the best and hardest things that ever happened to us. Having them even for such a brief time filled us with so much love. We were always destined to be parents, just maybe not this way. 

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