Unfortunately colouring can’t cure a broken heart

After our third miscarriage I felt that I needed at little extra help to manage my grief and also my stress levels in any future pregnancies. This was a huge step for me as I don’t like sharing my pain with others, especially people I don’t know. 

But off I went to the GP, explaining my situation and what I wanted moving forward. Very brave of me indeed and all whilst holding it together pretty well. They booked me an appointment with a psychologist. 

One part of me was happy that my pain and needs were being acknowledged. The other part of me was ridiculously anxious; not knowing what to expect, and not wanting to break down in front of a complete stranger. Even if it was one that was highly trained in how to deal with it! 

I needn’t have worried; there was no sharing, there was no tears, there was no break down. In fact there wasn’t a lot of anything really……except disappointment. 

Her answer to managing my feelings and stress in future pregnancies was…..wait for it…..

Now I honestly believe that in some circumstances and for some people mindfulness is the answer. However, this is not the answer for this particular problem, not for me anyway. 

She talked me through what it was and how it worked. In times of stress or worry I needed to breathe deeply and concentrate on each of my senses individually. Let everything else around wash away and concentrate on that one thing. Easy to say but in reality not great, especially for the girl who has lost her hearing and has a constant ringing in her ear.

Life is hard and I’m stressing out about losing more babies….let me just concentrate on what I can hear for a moment……oh yes I can hear this constant high pitched ringing that will slowly drive me insane!!! Somehow I don’t think this will help me. 

I was also given, along with other print outs about mindfulness, a little laminated card which I could carry around with me for times when I needed it. On it it said count to 10, breathe deeply, what can you see, what can you hear etc etc. It all promptly went in the bin!!!

I sat through it all, confused by the session being nothing of what I expected it to be and when asked if I needed anything else I politely said no as by this point I was done with it all. I should’ve said yes, I need grief counselling but I just wasn’t in the right place to at the time. 

Luckily I’ve done well with the support of those around me, mainly my husband. I’ve been open with those around me about what we’ve been through, I’ve read others’ stories and I’ve let myself be angry and be sad. I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought possible but all of that has slowly healed some of the parts of me that have been broken. 

All that and I’ve done a bit of mindful colouring in…..maybe that’s what did it! 


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