The first heartbreak

It feels like a lifetime (or two!) ago but Summer 2014 we started trying for a baby. We fell pregnant quite quickly and were overjoyed when we got the positive test result in the August.

Baby #1 was due around 20th April 2014, my brothers birthday and the date we had lost my Grandad years before. April of that year had also been very hard on us due to family problems that were luckily resolved by then. 

I also had 3 friends who were pregnant too and due March-May. It couldn’t have felt more perfect. We told our close family and friends, as in my eyes there was no point waiting until 12 weeks because if something bad were going to happen it would do so regardless and these would be the people who would support us. Little did I know at the time, just how right I was. 

Late September I woke up to find I was bleeding and I just knew that I was going to lose our baby. My husband did all he could to reassure me but I was already deverstated. We had a scan and it confirmed that our baby had died a couple of weeks before. 

How cruel of my body to keep on pretending like my baby was ok, to keep me feeling tired and sick, when my baby was already sleeping. We went home and a couple of days later I miscarried our baby. 

We were both deverstated but I felt so alone in my grief, despite having so many family and friends around me. In my eyes no one could understand how I felt; sad, angry at the world, guilty that I hadn’t kept our baby safe, absolutely heartbroken didn’t even cover it. I felt like I had broken into so many pieces I would never be able to be put back together. 

My husband was amazing and really tried to help me, reassuring me and being there. He took a lot from me, as I was cross that he didn’t seem sad enough but he was just being strong for the two of us. 

On the outside it was business as usual, I put on a brave face and just got on with it, what other choice did I have? 

I’m glad it feels like a lifetime ago and that the specifics of it all feel more hazy now. It’s just too painful a place but I was so incredibly lucky to have the support system I had around me, especially my husband so weather the storms that were just around the corner. 

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