I have never had any problems with getting pregnant and that I know is a blessing, as many people try and try without success. However it’s the baking of those lil buns I seem to have trouble with.
We didn’t know about Baby #2 very long before we lost it. But after one miscarriage the joy of finding out you’re pregnant again is tainted forever. In the back of your mind there’s always the question of whether you’ll get to keep this one, what you can do differently, and how long this will last.
Baby #2 was due September 2014 but sadly again it was not meant to be. Just as we got used to the idea, the baby was gone. It was different this time as I knew what to expect and could manage the practical side of miscarriage better. This loss just added to the last and again the feelings I had before took over. Again my husband was strong and kept me together.
We had always said we didn’t want a December baby; as both our birthdays are then, as well as Christmas. But when we fell pregnant with Baby #3, due in December we didn’t care anymore. We just wanted our baby to be safe, we just wanted to meet them!
Again the cruel hand of fate did its worst and took another baby from us. By this time it just felt like we were on auto-pilot, ringing doctors, getting scans, them confirming the worst and deciding how to proceed.
By this time I was at breaking point, if I didn’t get to keep this baby I didn’t want to wait around days or weeks for my body to give it up. I had the miscarriage induced and lost the baby within the next day or so.
Things were different after this loss, I had a better understanding of how I was feeling and just as importantly how my husband was feeling. We all grieve losses differently and by this time I was able to accept and respect this. For me this was a breakthrough. I still hurt just as deeply, if not more than before, I was still broken and cried a million tears but I didn’t feel alone in it anymore.
Not that I was ever alone to start with…