As soon as we got married the questions and comments started. “So, when are you going to start trying?” and the like became a weekly occurrence from friends, colleagues and even acquaintances. When did this become everyone else’s business?
At first I thought it was just us, but we have since seen it happen to friends of ours. And having gone through what we have, I am much more aware now of the accidentally intrusive questions we ask others regarding their fertility.
We as a society (mainly the women I’m afraid!) are obsessed with babies!! As soon as a woman is of child bearing age, or in a relationship, or married, it’s all about when they’ll be a baby in the picture.
I am not innocent in this at all and none of these questions from others are asked with any malice. They come from a place of interest, of love, of nosiness!! It’s just we don’t think. We don’t think about the woman struggling to get pregnant, the one with fertility issues, the one who’s lost a baby, the one who doesn’t want children. We don’t think about how our innocent questions can effect a person, we just don’t think.
When we were trying I was asked a lot by well meaning people. What struck me was why was it suddenly ok to ask about my sex life. “So, are you trying yet?” is really just someone asking whether you’re having unprotected sex with your husband!! It’s crazy!!
But as the trying continues or after you have lost a baby, these questions hurt. They also add to the pressure that you are already putting on yourself to make this perfect and longed for family.
And it seems it isn’t just the childless women that get it. Once you’ve got one, everyone wants to know when you’ll have another. Woah! Slow down there! We’ve just got this one!!
Now in the past I have done this A LOT but my way of thinking about fertility as a whole has changed through our experiences.
We often don’t know the trouble it has taken for a person to get to this point, their health issues, their own personal plans for starting a family or not.
We just need to be a bit more aware and a little less nosey…..that applies to me too.